Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
