just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
