i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
