I'd wear matching sweaters with you
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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