Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
