I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
