My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
