3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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