you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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