We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
