I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
