Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
