The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
