no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
