Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
