I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
