Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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