they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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