I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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