The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
