She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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