the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
