I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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