I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
