Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
