that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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