i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
