filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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