So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
