Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
