you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
