my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
