John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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