the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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