Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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