She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
