We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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