If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
