So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
The best revenge is premature balding
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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