I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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