did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
