I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
