YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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