I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
