I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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