see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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