so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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