New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
