The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
