My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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